Softly Speaking Pirate Eyes
Union of Mad Scientists

Nov
27

A pretty pirate from the Lafayette area, Thora the Explora, made this lovely post today:

Tea and Orgy:

…ahahahaha!

My life is a riot.
I’m convinced that it’s all a game, and the bad stuff comes from those who are offended because they aren’t winning. Let’s all just get over our egos, okay? Just for a day, maybe?

 Brilliant, Thora. This leads me back to my question–Is ego stopping world peace? Thank you for being my muse today.

 So, alright. Can we get over our egos? Is it easier for me to get over my own if the lot of you join me? Oh, of course. Please, comment with your own ego freeing bits of humanizing this and that..Leggo Your Ego, etc.

1.I’m solely responsible for accidentally killing the third top show dog in the country, 1997.

2.I suck at finances.

3.A church donation was accidentally mailed to my house and I opened it and spent the few bucks on cigarettes, a breakfast burrito, and iced coffee at Coffee Call. I casted fake voodoo on a boy so he would love me and when it worked, I totally freaked out and have believed in magic since then.

4.I secretly say to myself, quite often: With great power comes great responsibility.  Oh my god, I’m a riot.

5.I once got high in Gulfshores Alabama and wrote a 13 page paper on how I tackled multiple personality disorder, even though…..I don’t.

6.I broke up with you because everyone thought that you were so beautiful and it sucks to be a shadow, not because I thought you weren’t intellectually challenging enough.

7.I used to agree with everyone in my family so they would like me, even when I felt opposite on an issue. I began to do this in social circles until, well, it backfired terribly. I’m still struggling to find that place between rebellion and agreement, where my personal opinion lies.

8.I deeply feel that everyone has a great wisdom/talent inside of them if they choose to give it, and for a long time, I felt that my own great wisdom was just simply to just know that and well….it made me real sad and almost angry. Emotional with myself, for not getting a really cool talent, and with others for hiding their wisdom in a vat of bullshit. So, I started writing and try to pick the lock of bullshit within myself and those around me. Maybe it sounds altruistic, and in this ego freeing exercise, let me say here that I also feel really bad for saying something vaguely awesome about myself.

9.It took me 25 years to realize that I’ve come across condescending to authority of any kind, I had no idea. Dude, I just wanted you to think me bonafide.

10.I have, on approximately 1500 occasions, applied  hypnosis techniques on people to buy whatever I was selling. Granted, salesman do this subconsciously all of the time, but I knew and had methodized it in some self gratifying fashion, and secretly prided/felt a deep ashame for being a grift, a pirate of a different sort.

11.With great power comes great responsiblity, I’d comically whisper in my brain, after selling an overpriced room (total price gauging, robin hood style) to a politician and his secret transvestite lover.

12. I disconnected from my home town so I could deal with an excrutiating shyness that paralyzed my mouth and growth. I bullied people in other towns, I lied and said I rocked until I had conditioned myself to believe it, and eventually forgave myself for being, well, me.

13. I”m sorry, Dad, for failing to see your heartbeat, for failing to show you the heart beat in me. It is still hard for me to pick up the phone, especially when I’m broke because I know you’ll know that I haven’t saved the world yet, much less paid my electricity bill. Frankly, I just want to do something incredible with my genes.

14. I think that it is important to always have more questions than answers, and I wouldn’t feel that way if I hadn’t have responded in a directly opposite fashion for a long time. I exhaled education instead of breathing it, instead of continuing to learn and grow. I’m guilty of a narcissism so great that for years, I couldn’t even read a book or keep a proper job or finish my degree-because I was too busy with the anxiety produced from wondering about myself. Am I beautiful, am I smart, am I worth love, am I exordinary.

What a hard lesson in life, I just didn’t know that I needed to breathe. I smelled a fraud within me, and that was it. Only through seeing the exhaling of bravado and inhaling of those with low self esteem did I even begin to get it. A healthy ego is chi to seek,  where you  believe in yourself as well as others, a tough love of realism and pattern recognition and laid back humor.

In a nutshell, we are a very asthmatic species, hypervenilating in a great anxiety to be amazing for the world and to ourselves. How beautiful are we?

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Sep
28
Sep
27

Cross-posted from my myspace blog:

 

 

Demogogic Logic

ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, a few things to mention:

1. Alright, this is the beta video that the dudes from “Smart House Studios” jumbled together after I sent in my audio clips of the script.
2. I can not stop laughing.

Here, oh my effing god, rock:

Sep
21

Gay Marriage is Wrong Because…..?

Gay Marriage is Wrong Because……?

Make sure to add this humor page. It started off as a “I Hate Douche”—sorry, I don’t want to repeat this dupe’s name for yet another search engine return, but his picture is the default on the page, you BR people probably have heard of him now—but after talking to the anonymous dude behind the page, I’m more than happy to say a few words about this adorable concept.

Make fun of the haters. Very Colbert inspired, me thinks.

I just got a kick out of the pro-gay marriage humor flying in the comments there–and frankly, its a beautiful thing.

There’s only thirty or so comments on the page, but here’s a few great examples:

“Gay marriage is wrong because America is sick peeping tom looking in on the window of love.”–Blaze

“Gay marriage is wrong because eating shellfish is an abomination and we all know gay men are all about tropical themed weddings.”—Justin

“Gay Marriage has to be wrong, because if men can marry other men, than you should be able to marry your mom and dad.”—Robbie, one of my personal favorite southern pundits, as it goes.

“Gay marriage is wrong because if gays can get married, eventually the population will start dying out because gays can’t have kids. And the next thing you know, people will start marrying their dogs.”—American poet and Alabama based writing professor, Andrea Barton

And my personal favorite, as well as the trend setter for this whole thing:

“Gay marriage is wrong because then midgets would want to marry tall people.”–I am not sure of this guys name, but he’s now on my friends list.

Edit: I wrote the blog entry for the page, requesting your personal “Coming Out” story. If it catches on, maybe it’ll inspire a couple of lost kids or something. Dunno.

Sep
18

I’m not much of a crier, but I cried over this.

Here’s the link to my myspace blog where I’ve got a lot more friends. If you are on there, feel free to chip in:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=745401

Sep
05

I get a kick out of Yahoo Answers. If you aren’t on that site, I suggest you check it out. It’s a brilliant concept, I promise.

Today, I posted this question:

Do you think there is hope for a unifying world religion some day?

(Or is the need to be right as a culture stronger than the desire to get along with other cultures? You can’t all be TOTALLY right, you know.)

Yeah, I know that I could have phrased it better. I did add “details” if you clicked on the link-a better question would have been something like…”Can we just get over it and get along” or something, I don’t know.

Within the hour after posting, I received a majority of answers like:

 

 

 

“I hope not. Then we will all be a the mercy of whoever is running that religion”

“That is exactly what the anti-Christ will do.”

“Be careful what you hope for……. scripture describes just what you are talking about….. and I can tell ya one thing, when it does happen, you are NOT gonna like it !!!!! go in peace………. God bless”

 

After that point, I figured it was a good idea to post a more clarifying question:

World Peace?

 

This question didn’t receive the initial draw as the first one, but I did receive 11 answers so far. One of my favorites, if you’ll notice if you clicked on the link, accuses me of supporting Satan.

 

Oh MY.

 

I will get into my thoughts concerning this after dinner, but for anyone out there, what are your opinions on any of this? Is world peace an impossibility because many people actually view getting along as a negative thing based on a biblical prophecy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sep
03

Well, here’s a self-toast to finally making up my mind on the “presentation theme” of my brand new wordpress blog. I hope to press words often here. I opted for “Supposedly Clean” because it reminds me of a great song by Outkast- So Fresh and So Clean Clean, which led me into a quick visual of Andre 3000 and the genius blogs he’d create.

In hindsight, I’d like to mention right here that I got pretty wrapped up with writing this entry, in fact, I became a mad scientist somewhere in the middle of it. You are welcomed to take any of this information as Awesome Truth, which is highly suggestable and actually kind of turning me on, but I’m not beggin for Change. I just started…blogging down, wordpressin’-if you will. <p>

I have to hand it over to you guys, this blog-city makes setting up a joint fairly easy. I’m not so used to having such a useful FAQ though, or so many presentation themes with such inspiring titles. I was even charmed by the one simply labeled “Neat!”<p>

Yes, this is pretty neat. Certainly more “freshy” than the choices available on my myspace blog. Livejournal is catching up and all, but they just seem kind of reactive in that weak, marketing way you sometimes see when people, like childhood stars, start to realize that they are has beens or sell outs. <p>

It’s interesting to feel like such an old hat at online journaling. I’ve been blogging since circa 2003. <p>

I remember that crazy high/fear of blogging that newbies to the internet often feel-the “a million people could see what I’m saying” sensation. I remember sitting down and staring at that blinking line, waiting for me to type a character. Waiting for me to come up with something so world bending that the million people that would read my blog would cry, hug, and raise their fists for a most excellent revolution.<p>

Or worse, perhaps the blinking line was simply waiting to expose me and my standardized bullshit, unoriginal at best and contrived at worst. I was, to borrow from wordpress.com’s blog theme vernacular, unsleepable. That seems like a good word for it. I stayed up way too long trying to conquer my fear of public speech. Typing a few sentences, backspacing, running my fingers through my hair, checking out who’s up on my AIM list. What a riot. I was a Post Slug.<p>

Eventually, I just typed at the computer. A stream of pretty words that meant absolutely nothing. I felt so silly. All of my friends would laugh. Though, looking back, lots of my friends were writing some pretty ridiculous posts concerning their indie-soap operas. We college folk can surely turn a Jerry Springer tale into an artfully epic tale of the best of times, the worst of times. <p>

But really, when you think about it? That Jerry Springer scene, when Jamie Jay picks up the chair and directs it at his two timing brother with the unkempt mustache? <p>

In that very moment, as the crowd gasps in unison and the security guard runs to block him? As the other guests on stage run for cover?<p>

We all want to throw a chair at something. Jamie Jay’s chair was a physical one and directed at a very physical source. His point was conveyed with no possibility for misinterpretation.<p>

For many of us with a strong desire to write, to gain respect and recognition, to be heard– the point we are trying to convey isn’t so obvious. <p>

We, bloggers of the world unite, paint our own Jamie Jay scenes with sarcasm and unusual adjectives, make ya think links, and gorgeous pauses relayed through one two many ellipses periods …….<p>

We spend a considerable amount of effort letting you know that we are smart, we are respectable, and we are hella effing interesting. We are passionate about this particular set of laws, we are walking on water in this never before seen brand of love, we are dangerously close to finding the cure for cheap wine hangovers, soul cancer and adderall addiction and you have never been this sad, scene, or fuckable in your life.<p>

But the thing is, with our forces combined, we really are Captain Planet. With as much tripe as we tend to put up on the web, we are creating a voice with more cadence than any great leader ever could, or will. Like a clever 6 year old with too much koolaide in his bloodstream, our collective online voice doesn’t even know how smart it is-or how poignant are the answers its giving freely. I’m surely going over the top here, but I’m really into this now, HA. <p>

Bloggers are different, the way teen films meant it in the 80’s.<p>

A football player named Tim wishes for the courage to stand up against his father who expects him to follow tradition and go to Princeton. Tim secretly wants to be a…dancer, whatever.<p>

We are the muses of which gives Tim the courage to do that. Why? Because we were different, even at the cost of popularity points and in the face of gang melvining. We couldn’t help it. We couldn’t be like them if we tried with all of our might.<p>

Through various events that usually involve Tim being peer pressured into a joke concerning a dance, Tim falls hardcore for the future blogger because she is totally rebelling this town.<p>

But, had we been blessed with the social cues to fit in, we wouldn’t have the seats in the audience that watches the theater of life. We guffaw at life just like Jerry’s audience guffawed at Jamie Jay and his Chair of Doom. But, alas, we envy his ability to be listened to.<p>

So, we blog.<p>

Humans organize data continously.The more data that is collected, the better understanding we have on the way people and things work. It makes it easier to think of ways to make stuff work better.<p>

Fear is a natural reaction to things we can’t figure out, or haven’t had proper education on, or is a proven threat. Death is a prime example. Another good example would be a racist woman living in a small town of which she has only been exposed to the black culture via the negative words of her father, who based his views on those of HIS father, and etc.<p>

Xenophobia can be simply explained as our biological alarms ringing for more information so we can process whether or not the subject before us is a friend or a foe. Its preservation of self, family, society-we organize data a certain way until we gain enough proof to reorganize.<p>

I see all of these hate groups throwing chairs, and their arguments are embarrassingly weak. I see religons pinned against eachother that are breathing in rhythm of the same mythology, a story of parables to inspire people to keep surviving. Jerry Springer, a fitting paradigm for the media at large, working with the governments that acts as tardy bodyguards. The audience gasps and blogs on.<p>

I wonder about the bible, about the era of Jesus, etc etc. I wonder, if blogging would have been available to the people of those times, what they would have said about those events?<p>

I wonder about the authors of history books, about the way stories are communicated among people and families and generations.

Because, due to the birth of the internet and the massive trend of blogging, perhaps there will be less confusion for later generations to experience. They’ll be able to an archive of thousands of media archives, and millions of individual accounts of the events that held historical signifigance.<p>

I might seem like an optimist, but I can’t see that as a bad thing.<p>

Blogging is giving people a chance to rev up, inspire, change, inform, piss off, and piss on a gasping audience. Perhaps, when enough chairs are thrown into the great Wherever at the great Whoever, we’ll begin to have some idea of what happens After We Get Over It. Perhaps mega-blogging is in order, with an even more intimidating but necessary blinking line. <p>

That’s pretty much an amazing thing, to see the birth of a library that gives accessibility to what the People Said Back Then. To watch the hobby of online writing go from being a community of techs, then on to every facet of education, and all of the radio nerds and on and on until…..<p>

Jamie Jay’s ex wife, you remember-she cheated on him with his BROTHER, whaa- is sitting at her mama’s desk, just getting the hang of simple html code for her new myspace page that boasts her rebel attraction to Angelina Jolie and the color purple. She’s so tickled with this idea of god-knows-who might see her myspace page. She keeps checking to see if she’s got more friends requests, what other cool stuff her cousin put up on her own page, etc. She just keeps fiddling with the whole thing, trying to figure it out. She starts to just browse profiles by degrees away from the few on her list. <p>

You may know of this process of myspace hypnosis. <p>

So, Jamie’s ex wife, living at home with her mother since she dumped brother one to be dumped by brother two, continues toying with myspace for hours on end. Her eyes, mainly focusing on profile picture to “about me” area to friends list to profile picture- click, suddenly shifts rhythm when she sees the blog section on the upper right of the page. A vague section that’s easy to miss when you aren’t internet savvy and in myspace hypnosis, its simply the least shiny area of everyone’s profile. <p>

She’s not familiar with the word blog, but after clicking on to the powder blue page of one Anthropology majors journal, she gets the point. She goes back to her own page and looks through what little is said about how blogging works and tries to customize it. Eventually, settling on a fire red background and black Times New Roman, she feels satisfied that she has attained a well rounded understanding of the underground rabbit holes of myspace.<p>

Inspired by the Anthropology majors report on her trip to San Francisco, the ex wife bites her lip and thinks about how she always felt that when the time was right, she’d be in a good place to tell her own inspiring story. She’s just been waiting around to get out of this town, something.<p>

Clicking on “new post”, she comes to a blank screen with a blinking line strobing in the upper left corner. She wonders what they’ll think, the million people that might read. She tries to make it good.

On a separate note, if you’ve gotten this far:

A Love Note For Andre 3000

Andre, you fascinate me and I want you to know, if you ever read this? I would totally let you do me upside down or inside the mouth, slipping on the undulating tongue of a giant Killer Dragon that’s only in it for the mega power that his alien race derives from permitting such events. That’s right, Andre 3000, giant Killer Dragon mouth sex to fuel the ineffable power of an alien race that maybe is, maybe ain’t, holding a vendetta against planet earth. And that’s extra amazing because I mainly only have really cool looking lesbian sex with white girls that are equally as attractive as me and are willing to call me…oh, that’s kind of embarrassing. I make them call me Fred Sanford.